As the above scripture in Romans 8:28 of the Voice Translation says, we must live according to God's plan in order to have "something good and beautiful" in our lives, including, of course, an exciting and fulfilling marriage.

The problem is that very few professing Christians understand what this entails, specifically, the divinely appointed roles of husbands and wives. In fact, in a poll taken among professing Christians only 19 per cent of the respondents believed the Bible's teachings on the subject are "very clear and plainly understood." This ignorance helps to explain why the divorce rate for professing Christians is as high as non-Christians -- if not higher! It's become quite obvious that something is radically wrong with today's Christian marriages. So it is no wonder that a large percentage of professing Christians believe that their leaders need to speak out on proper roles for men and women.

Today, the role of a truly Christian woman is often thought to be very submissive and entirely focused on being an obedient wife to her husband, almost as if that was her one and only duty. Not surprisingly,  the husband's role as the "head" of the wife is often thought to be very strict and domineering -- considered by some to even have unlimited authority over their wives (based on Ephesians 5:24). These false notions of a true biblical marriage are based upon a very shallow reading of the scriptures, combined with very poor translations of God's Word, and most important, a failure to examine ALL of the scriptures relating to marriage. Biblical doctrine is much like a jigsaw puzzle because without getting all of the pieces together we will have an incomplete picture. Then too, God's Word really doesn't say very much about marriage, especially when compared to modern books on the subject by professing Christian authors. So what God does say should be very closely and thoroughly examined, for it is extremely important for a proper understanding of this subject.

In this study of marriage we endeavor to unashamedly rightly divide God's Word (II Timothy 2:15) by correcting the above deficiencies and thus arrive at the true biblical marriage. With God's leading it is really not that difficult -- certainly not rocket science -- but quite simple to arrive at the truth. It really is. Unfortunately, many professing Christians see only what they expect to see, what they want to see, what they've been told to see, what conventional wisdom tells them to see -- rather than what is right in front of them, quite plainly in some cases. As someone has said, "It is very difficult to see what is right in front of one's eyes." Actually, it often takes a miracle from God.

And anyone who does uncover what the Bible actually teaches concerning God's ideal marriage will find it so 'radical' by today's standards that they may, understandably, hesitate to believe it, much less apply it to their marriage. Indeed, you the reader may ultimately end up not agreeing with my conclusions, but even so you will have to concede that I have offered much evidence in support of them, something that people frequently do not do. Ultimately, all of us have nothing to lose and much to gain by learning God's truth and applying it to our lives.

God's Ordained Roles for Husbands

An important part of the husband's role in marriage should be obvious when we look at the assignment that Adam was given by God. For rather than creating Adam and Eve at the same time, which God could well have done, He first created Adam and explained to him the need to not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, intending Adam to pass on this commandment of God to his wife. In other words, Adam, not Eve, became the first preacher of God's word, for he told Eve that she shouldn't even touch this tree (Genesis 3:3). Clearly, from the very beginning man was assigned by God to be the woman's spiritual leader, i.e., her spiritual head as God's spokesman. This involved not only teaching the Word of God, but living it by being a proper example, to "proistemi" (I Timothy 3:4,12). The Greek word "proistemi" is used 8 times in the Bible and is often mistranslated as "rule" rather than "lead" or "set a right example." God means for husbands to take the "lead" in spiritual matters in the home and in the church through their teaching and their godly example. That is a major role of a husband and according to the apostle Paul it is indicated to be his role because he was created first (I Timothy 2:13) and he is less likely than the woman to be deceived (verse 14).

Secondly, Christ repeatedly emphasized that men were to have the disposition of servants -- not rulers -- but servants, even as Christ came to serve and to give (Mark 10:45; see also Mathew 20:25-28). He is a man's perfect example! Likewise, the apostle Paul taught that "Those (men) who have served well gain an excellent standing and great assurance in their faith in Christ Jesus" (I Timothy 3:13; NIV). In closely examining verses 12 and 13  in the original language, one sees that Paul is speaking of service to one's "own household," not to a church as a deacon. Indeed, as many Bible expositors have rightly said, men are to be servant-leaders. (See also Mark 10:42-43.) Naturally, servants do not give orders, except of course to fellow servants below them or their children. However, in the Bible wives are never encouraged to take the role of servants.

The third major role of the husband, perhaps most important of all due to its emphasis by the apostle Paul, was for him to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33; Colossians 3:19). Be her lover, even think of her (and others) as "superior" to yourself (Philippians 2:3; Concordant version). Now in describing love we read in the Scriptures that "love does not insist on its own way" (I Corinthians 13:5; RSV), meaning that a man filled with God's love is submissive, he defers to others. This is what made King David so great, for he was willing to do everything that God wanted him to (Acts 13:22). Likewise, a godly husband will defer to his wife's desires out of love for her. For if you love someone, you will do what they tell you to do (John 14:21,23). One could of course describe such a husband as being "meek," which describes our savior Jesus Christ as well (Matthew 11:29), for he too was submissive and obedient. In fact, this important character trait, though denigrated by the world, characterizes God's holy spirit (Galatians 5:23). One should also note the words of a famous philosopher who said, "when you love someone they do not belong to you, rather you belong to them." This truth explains why Adam early on, speaking of his wife, said he was "her man" (Genesis 2:23; original Hebrew). But while a man is indeed commanded to LOVE his wife, Adam as we all know took it much too far by obeying her rather than God, which is not uncommon.

The Surprising Roles of a Godly Wife 

Unlike husbands, wives are never encouraged in the Bible to love their spouses as that is not one of their primary roles. They are only instructed to be "fond" (phileo) of their husbands (Titus 2:4), which is based on their husband's deportment. Nor are wives ever encouraged in the Scriptures to function as a servant in their home. That's not their role either. Surprising, but true.

Further evidence in Genesis of a woman's preeminence is the fact that it was the woman -- not the man -- who first gave the orders. Eve essentially commanded her spouse Adam to obey her rather than obey God (Genesis 3:17). And he obeyed! Does this sound like the woman is the weaker sex? Yes, a man does have greater brute strength (I Peter 3:7), but that aside, the woman was, and arguably is, more powerful due to her captivating beauty and sexuality. The truth is, a woman is the most beautiful creature upon this earth! And she was created to be the man's love object, the "glory of man" (I Corinthians 11:7), meaning his chief pleasure. All of this gives her tremendous influence over the opposite sex. As someone has wisely said, "The stronger sex is the weaker sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex." And God Himself is responsible for this, for not only making a woman (in many ways) the stronger sex, but for making her desirous of having control over her husband. From the very beginning this was God's plan, as God Himself testified to Adam's wife in Genesis 3:16:

"....and you will desire to control your husband" (see the New English Translation, New Living Translation, and the Expanded Bible; see also http://www.challies.com/articles/her-desire-his-rule).

This is most remarkable and it bears repeating! From this verse we learn that it is normal for a woman to have a desire to control and subjugate her husband. This desire is from God! So it's not at all evil, but rather we shall see that this desire of a woman is for a man's GOOD as his Helper! It's also quite normal for a husband to submit to his wife's dominance. Indeed, if he truly loves his wife he will want to do whatever she says (assuming it is lawful). However, our mother Eve took her natural inclination to rule over her husband much, much too far. Her God-given authority did not extend as far as teaching God's word and usurping the man's spiritual authority, an edict that is especially true in church meetings (I Timothy 2:12), but flagrantly ignored today by many men and women. So both of our original parents -- Adam and Eve -- missed the mark by going to extreme, neither one of them giving evidence of having God's holy spirit. The fact is, they didn't have it. It wasn't given out yet.

And as we look closely at what transpired, there is no reason to believe that Eve's desire to get her husband to obey her was somehow implanted in her by Satan. Satan only suggested that SHE eat the forbidden fruit -- nothing was said about her husband -- only that she would not die from eating it (Genesis 3:4), which was a lie. But then in verse 5, Satan goes on to tell Eve the truth, "God knows that if you" (Eve) "eat the fruit from that tree, you will learn about good and evil and you will be like God" (not "Gods"as some translations read). Using the superior intuitive powers that God had given her she was able to confirm that what Satan told her was indeed true, that "the tree was good for food" (i.e., not poisonous, see verse 6), and that her eyes would be "opened" (which was true also, see verse 7)! Even what Satan said about her becoming godlike, "knowing good and evil," was true (verse 22).

The point is that Satan never once encouraged her to get her husband to disobey God. No, that was entirely Eve's idea and her doing, the result of her intuitive ability and her dominant personality -- all from God and foreknown by God (Acts 15:18).

Of course this command Eve had given to her husband to eat the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:17) was evil since she caused him to disobey God. After all, we all are to obey God rather than man (Acts 5:29). Thus Eve was punished with increased pain in childbirth (Genesis 3:16) and along with her husband she was expelled from the Garden (Genesis 3:23-24). Adam no doubt reasoned that since he was not deceived (I Timothy 2:14), he never would have eaten the forbidden fruit except for Eve's insistence, so he looked upon the whole thing as being her fault. Now when Adam first met his wife he was totally in awe of her and absolutely captivated by her. As we saw, he even felt like he belonged to her, announcing that he was "her man" (Genesis 2:23; original Hebrew), and initially demonstrated that he was more than willing to do whatever she said. He appeared, at least, to be the true "submissive sex," which one could argue are males. But when God punished him for eating the forbidden fruit and cast them out of the Garden, Adam lost much of his love for Eve and not only blamed her, but perhaps God as well (Genesis 3:12).

So, like so many husbands do after marriage, he lost his passion and ardor for his wife and ceased to be a loving, submissive husband. Of course, Eve did not lose her God-given desire to be dominant in her marriage. So God informed Eve (in Genesis 3:16) that Adam would now be angry and domineering, focused primarily on his wants and needs rather than hers. In other words, a role reversal had come about and a battle of the sexes had began with her the loser.

"...he will rule over you" (same verse).

God explained this to Eve because her husband's autocratic rule in domestic matters was quite contrary to the true biblical marriage (Matthew 20:25-26). As we saw earlier, men were not to arrogantly "rule" over others, but to humbly teach, serve, and set a right example, which was, by the way, true in church affairs as well (I Peter 5:3). God only took her to task for eating the forbidden fruit and merely acknowledges in Genesis 3:16 that while she has this dominant nature, from this point on it would largely be dormant and inactive because Adam would no longer be the loving submissive husband that he had been previously. Being physically stronger, he was going to throw his weight around and rule over her (same verse). So with her no longer having much if any say in her marriage, Eve was left unhappy and frustrated, as many wives are in their marriages. Nevertheless, given the opportunity -- by again having a submissive husband -- she could of course regain her rightful position and more effectively become her husband's helper. 

A Man's TWO Helpers: His Wife and His Creator

It is common knowledge among Christians that God created the first woman to be a "help" or "helper" for the man (Genesis 2:18, 20) and this term is commonly thought to be a subservient position -- which, true enough, it often is in our society. But in God's usage the opposite is true. The Hebrew word for "helper" in these verses is "ezer" and it is said to be used 21 times in the Old Testament and 15 of those times it is used to describe no less than God Himself! So the word "Helper" in the Bible suggests strength and authority -- even sovereignty -- certainly not a state of being weak, inferior and servile. The standard definition of the word "helper" in relation to one's wife might have a great appeal to us lazy husbands who want someone to wait on us, but we have to look at things from God's point of view. It makes much more sense that God means "to help" in the sense of rescuing, improving, even as we read in a dictionary:

"To contribute to the effectiveness or improvement of (something or someone); to improve or advance."

After all, that is what salvation is all about, God is in the business of creating us, teaching us, correcting us, and building character in us. Why cannot God use women as well as men in this process? God in fact started this process back in the Garden through a woman, Eve (Genesis 3:22), using primarily her to make mankind more godlike, "capable of knowing everything, ranging from good to evil" (Genesis 3:22; the Message). Of course, when one looks at the state of man and the condition of the world today, one sees a tremendous need for improvement. In fact, one could argue that men need to improve, in some ways, even more than women do. Concerning this subject of man's improvement through a woman we have a scripture reference in the New Testament that focuses on this very thing: I Corinthians 11:9-10. Here's how these verses read in the better translations, in this case the Common English Bible:

"and man wasn’t created for the sake of the woman, but the woman for the sake of the man.

 Because of this a woman should have authority over her head, because of the angels."

Note that a woman (as his wife and Helper) should have authority "OVER" her spiritual head  (see also the Jubilee and Concordant Bibles). Note also that the woman was created "for the sake of the man." And the meaning of "sake" is "out of consideration for, or in order to HELP someone." The chief reason for her existence is not as his personal assistant or servant, one to make his meals and wash his clothes. Rather she is principally for his character development, to "rule" over him in such a way as to improve him, as well as to perpetuate the human race (I Timothy 5:14)! Therefore the apostle Paul goes on to say in the better translations of verse 10 that "because of this a woman ought to have authority over her head" (her spiritual head being her husband of verse 3). This makes perfect sense, since one in authority can accomplish much more in improving others than one without authority. Authority promotes compliance and harmony. This is why, for example, that God has given civil servants authority. But in the case of wives it's domestic authority. God, as the Supreme Subjecter, desires to use women as well as men in His plan to teach humility and ultimately bring all of humanity into subjection (I Corinthians 15:28).

When you stop and think about it, there are an endless number of domestic decisions that have to be made every day in the home that have nothing whatsoever to do with God's Word per se. These domestic decisions are to be made by the woman in a man's life, by his wife. Therefore God has instructed us that women are to "marry, bear children, rule their households" (I Timothy 5:14; RSV). The Greek word translated "rule" is "oikodespoteo" and a great many translations and reference works I could name declare it to mean "rule the household." Furthermore, Weymouth's version of this verse rightly paraphrases this verse to read "rule in domestic matters." In other words, a wife is to be the "mistress of the house" (same verse; Rotherham's and Young's versions) concerning domestic affairs in the home. This is her sphere of authority and, by the way, this authority extends to sexual matters as well, as we read in I Corinthians 7:4: "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does;

"and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (New American Standard Bible).

Kenneth Brix

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